This is a terrific piece, so timely, with great resources. I've printed it out for reference when working with solo ager groups. I'd add the ROMEO concept (Retired Old Men Eating Out); my husband has had a group of 7 guys in our apartment complex who've been meeting weekly for breakfast & monthly for dinner & movie for several years now. He gets so much satisfaction (and laughter and good food) out of this band of brothers!
...Practice being vulnerable. ....... listen intently and ask real questions.... This is great guidance. It's my observation that men think being personal is intrusive. It's not considered good form to ask someone (another man) how he feels or what it was like for him when....he lost his job, lost his wife, was confronted with a medical problem. Given just a little time, it's my experience that men want to be known and will be grateful for the opportunity.
Yes, we men present ourselves to the world with a full plate of armor. Yet beneath that hard exterior, we do like knowing that someone appreciates the real beating heart underneath.
Local libraries will often offer book clubs and group meetings in person or via zoom. Consider that participating in something without your spouse gives them a break from constant companionship. This comment is based on experience hearing stories from retired clients. So, you're not only helping yourself be a more involved community member, you create greater fondness and appreciation from your significant other who may be telling her friends, "I wish he had his own interests."
Sorry, at this time we are no longer taking applications for a Best Friend --- no, WAIT!!! WAIT!!! We apologize!!! We seem to have made an oversight: Your application has already been APPROVED!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You should receive your Best Friend Welcome Packet by USPS (haha, not that you'll ever receive it!!)
What a powerful message! What struck me was that to build new friendships would require not only the personal will, but also the courage to act. This could be a tall order for people who have not exercised that muscle in many years. Maybe they were married, immersed in their career and work relationships focusing on ‘productivity’, moved a lot geographically, divorces, shy, etc.
There are studies that suggest that we not only constantly worry if other people really like us, but that we also systematically underestimate how much our conversation partners liked us and enjoyed our company. And this anxiety can quickly send us back to the safety of our own solitary company.
I am not sure what would help, maybe lowering the psychological admission bar in some way, though people will often resist following advice even though they know it’s good for them.
Very interesting ideas, Osnat. To me it's about undoing the programming that told us we had to be unemotional and not allow others to get too close (emotionally).
"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." A. A. Milne, Pooh's Little Instruction Book
Be open to being alive, by volunteering for new adventures, don’t be afraid. You can find an interest that fits your like easier. Meaning you attract similar values or loves; this will bring bliss and more consistent joy instead of sadness. This comes with search for truth, freedom and health. Thanks.
It takes extreme effort for most guys to search out and then cultivate relationships other than surface ones
My secret is I actually like being alone, however, I realized that after my retirement my social interactions with patients disappeared completely and overnight
I realized I had great conversations stimulation and actually grew a few friends out of it as well
After that constant source evaporated I knew that I had to put out the effort it takes in order to do this
I am still in the process and will continue to dig in and put out the effort needed to keep myself socially active and connected
Thanks for the encouragement this article brings to me and obviously others
Thanks so much for your commentary, and good luck with your efforts to find an answer that works for you socially. Should be an interesting experiment(s).
You may have struck a vein of gold on the order of the one that caused the California Gold Rush in the 1850s! After living in Knoxville, Tenn., for 3+ decades, my wife and I moved to the West Coast to be close to our son, his bride, and their growing family of four—ages 6, 8, 10, and 12. Our son wasn't born where we now live, nor was he schooled here, so we have no chance to make new old friends thanks to his buddies and their parents. I, however, have taken advantage the surprisingly delightful opportunity to reconnect with old friends: a girl from my boyhood church who now lives close by and is a retired pastor; my date to the junior and senior proms in high school; a 1965 SAE pledge class fraternity brother from Iowa State who also lives within a few miles; other pledge class brothers scattered across the U.S.; a guy who I coached in youth baseball who is now a sports psychologist; a Zoom group of retired guys on the East Coast who decided that women shouldn't be the only people to benefit from gathering and baring their souls. And after some spade work, to connect to geezers via a new wine group and a new restaurant group. Not the least of the influences has been a recent conversation with a close friend who's in three men's groups and swears by them.
Reconnecting with old friends sounds just as useful as making new friends. And the wine and restaurant groups sound like perfect activities to match your own passions. Keep us posted on how it goes.
This is a terrific piece, so timely, with great resources. I've printed it out for reference when working with solo ager groups. I'd add the ROMEO concept (Retired Old Men Eating Out); my husband has had a group of 7 guys in our apartment complex who've been meeting weekly for breakfast & monthly for dinner & movie for several years now. He gets so much satisfaction (and laughter and good food) out of this band of brothers!
ROMEO is a great idea! Thanks for adding that alternative.
...Practice being vulnerable. ....... listen intently and ask real questions.... This is great guidance. It's my observation that men think being personal is intrusive. It's not considered good form to ask someone (another man) how he feels or what it was like for him when....he lost his job, lost his wife, was confronted with a medical problem. Given just a little time, it's my experience that men want to be known and will be grateful for the opportunity.
Yes, we men present ourselves to the world with a full plate of armor. Yet beneath that hard exterior, we do like knowing that someone appreciates the real beating heart underneath.
Local libraries will often offer book clubs and group meetings in person or via zoom. Consider that participating in something without your spouse gives them a break from constant companionship. This comment is based on experience hearing stories from retired clients. So, you're not only helping yourself be a more involved community member, you create greater fondness and appreciation from your significant other who may be telling her friends, "I wish he had his own interests."
Sorry, at this time we are no longer taking applications for a Best Friend --- no, WAIT!!! WAIT!!! We apologize!!! We seem to have made an oversight: Your application has already been APPROVED!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You should receive your Best Friend Welcome Packet by USPS (haha, not that you'll ever receive it!!)
So thrilled to have my application approved!
What a powerful message! What struck me was that to build new friendships would require not only the personal will, but also the courage to act. This could be a tall order for people who have not exercised that muscle in many years. Maybe they were married, immersed in their career and work relationships focusing on ‘productivity’, moved a lot geographically, divorces, shy, etc.
There are studies that suggest that we not only constantly worry if other people really like us, but that we also systematically underestimate how much our conversation partners liked us and enjoyed our company. And this anxiety can quickly send us back to the safety of our own solitary company.
I am not sure what would help, maybe lowering the psychological admission bar in some way, though people will often resist following advice even though they know it’s good for them.
Very interesting ideas, Osnat. To me it's about undoing the programming that told us we had to be unemotional and not allow others to get too close (emotionally).
"You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." A. A. Milne, Pooh's Little Instruction Book
Now that's at a level I understand!
Be open to being alive, by volunteering for new adventures, don’t be afraid. You can find an interest that fits your like easier. Meaning you attract similar values or loves; this will bring bliss and more consistent joy instead of sadness. This comes with search for truth, freedom and health. Thanks.
Thanks for these words of encouragement.
Thanks for chatting
Looking forward to our coffee
Safe travels 🙏
I totally agree
It takes extreme effort for most guys to search out and then cultivate relationships other than surface ones
My secret is I actually like being alone, however, I realized that after my retirement my social interactions with patients disappeared completely and overnight
I realized I had great conversations stimulation and actually grew a few friends out of it as well
After that constant source evaporated I knew that I had to put out the effort it takes in order to do this
I am still in the process and will continue to dig in and put out the effort needed to keep myself socially active and connected
Thanks for the encouragement this article brings to me and obviously others
Thanks so much for your commentary, and good luck with your efforts to find an answer that works for you socially. Should be an interesting experiment(s).
You may have struck a vein of gold on the order of the one that caused the California Gold Rush in the 1850s! After living in Knoxville, Tenn., for 3+ decades, my wife and I moved to the West Coast to be close to our son, his bride, and their growing family of four—ages 6, 8, 10, and 12. Our son wasn't born where we now live, nor was he schooled here, so we have no chance to make new old friends thanks to his buddies and their parents. I, however, have taken advantage the surprisingly delightful opportunity to reconnect with old friends: a girl from my boyhood church who now lives close by and is a retired pastor; my date to the junior and senior proms in high school; a 1965 SAE pledge class fraternity brother from Iowa State who also lives within a few miles; other pledge class brothers scattered across the U.S.; a guy who I coached in youth baseball who is now a sports psychologist; a Zoom group of retired guys on the East Coast who decided that women shouldn't be the only people to benefit from gathering and baring their souls. And after some spade work, to connect to geezers via a new wine group and a new restaurant group. Not the least of the influences has been a recent conversation with a close friend who's in three men's groups and swears by them.
Reconnecting with old friends sounds just as useful as making new friends. And the wine and restaurant groups sound like perfect activities to match your own passions. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Great suggestion! Thank you!
;-)