Wanted: A New Best Friend

Why men have a hard time making close personal friendships

Photo by Ricardas Brogys for Unsplash

I was never the kind of kid who had dozens of friends. I was the kind who was happy to have one best friend – occasionally two – at one time. That was my recurring pattern from childhood up through my teens. My close friends were always other boys, of course – girls, from what I could tell, were mysterious creatures inhabiting another universe altogether.

Today I don’t have a male best friend. As I think back, I realize I haven’t had a best friend for decades. This worries me when I read article after article describing men who find themselves isolated and lonely in retirement, with the blame for this regrettable state falling squarely on their failure to cultivate deep, durable friendships. Loneliness is certainly not the state I had in mind for myself in old age. And yes, I confess that I was poor at maintaining friendships over many changes of location and changes of employment.

But while I was in the midst of beating myself up about my personal shortcomings, I chanced to read these startling words by writer Mark Greene:

                Will you be my friend? Sometime around first grade, boys stop asking that question and they never ask it again, because it quickly becomes an invitation for bullying and abuse.

In fact, says Niobe Way, author of Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, by their late teens boys know that having close male friendships puts them at risk of being labeled girly, immature, or gay. These labels must be avoided at all costs, so boys instead evolve into “Marlboro men,” who are self-reliant, emotionally stoic, and isolated.

See? It wasn’t entirely my fault. I’ve been socially programmed to avoid deep friendships.

It appears that I’m in excellent company. In a 2021 survey from the Survey Center on American Life, only 20% of men reported they had received emotional support from a friend in the past week. (Among women, the figure was 40%).

Another thing that often gets in the way of male friendship is marriage. With a whole new relationship to nurture, domesticity takes precedence over good times with the guys. Some men come to treat their marital partner as their real best friend (guilty!), and many rely on their wives to act as their de facto social director, (extremely guilty!).

Work Friends Don’t Count

Of course we men do still have some friends. But outside of a regular set of buddies to meet for basketball or poker or biking, the vast majority are work friends. Friendships at work are based on convenience. On the other hand, as many retired men have found to their dismay, few work friendships survive once you leave work behind. The few you maintain contact with probably are your closest friends; all the rest were conditional on the work environment.

That, in short, is why retired men are often bereft of close male companions. We can hear tons of great advice from books, podcasters, therapists, and our wives about finding more friends, but to follow that advice is to swim against a strong tide of cultural programming and lifelong habits.

That’s not to say we men can’t do it. We would just appreciate a little understanding that this is a heavy lift.

At the risk of offering even more useless advice, here are some suggestions that may actually be helpful:

• Put yourself out there. You can’t assume that friendships occur organically, as they did in our youth. For adults, friend-making takes initiative. For starters, invite someone to join you at a football (baseball/hockey/basketball) game, or another activity.

• Find groups where other men gather, in activities you like. It could be a club, a class, or a volunteer activity.

• If you don’t find a suitable group, make your own. Use Meetup, a social media platform, to seek others who share your interests.

• Keep in touch with friends and acquaintances with a casual check-in. The occasional email or text can have a surprisingly powerful effect on people.

• Practice being vulnerable. A safe but effective way to begin is by listening intently and asking real questions. This helps create a safe space for your companion, which can lead to creating a safe space for you in turn.

And if you need some formal reinforcement, here are places to look for non-judgmental assistance.

Chapter X is a virtual group for recently retired men who offer support for one another, share experiences, and reflect on the tough questions men seldom ask. Founder Michael Kay, a former financial planner, blogs and podcasts as well. Contact: michaelfkay.com/chapter-x

Men’s Sheds is an international association created to help older men combat isolation and depression by building things. It recognizes that men would rather do than talk. Local chapters maintain tools and building materials, and men get together to tinker and make stuff. Their wise motto: Men don’t talk face to face, we talk shoulder to shoulder. Contact: usmenssheds.org

Modern Elder Academy (MEA) is a learning center that offers online courses and in-person learning experiences for men and women in a resort atmosphere. Its focus is on helping adults navigate midlife and beyond. Founder Chip Conley, a former entrepreneur, is the author of Wisdom @ Work: The Making of a Modern Elder. Contact: modernelderacademy.com

Gentlemen, let us not settle for lives of lonely geezerhood. Take the initiative now to cultivate strong friendships that can last.