You wrote this years ago done and I’m not sure why it’s only popping up on my Substack now, but I’m glad I had a chance to read it.
In the four broad categories that you mentioned none fit my experience.
I was physically unable to have children so when a good gay male friend adopted a child through the foster care system, I unofficially became the coparent. It was more difficult when I moved away, particularly in that I was unable to see when my friend became an alcoholic and Sabrina was too young to voice what was But by the time she was 15 we were very close again and the plan was for her to come live with me because by my friend declared he was unable to parent well and she was pushing beyond every boundary. Things had become physically dangerous between them. But that bond between father and daughter, was naturally deep. We spent five years with Sabrina moving between the two of us, me being on the phone with them during conflicts, and frequent visits. And then her father died unexpectedly. For the second time, I completely appended my life to focus solely on her. I was devastated when she turned on me. I left things verbally and in writing proclaiming how much I loved her and would always be there for her. I have enough training to know that she is projecting pain and trauma from her father onto me in order to preserve the memory of her father and assuage her own regrets. But it has been five years now since we’ve spoken, and that continues to pain me. I have since stopped reaching out because the rejection is too painful. But I continue to hope that someday I will hear from her. And yet beneath it all, knowing I did everything I could, I can’t help analyzing what I might’ve done wrong or what I could’ve done better.
Jan, thank you for sharing your experience. I understand how painful that is for you. My wife has also had the experience of being the one who reached out to help, only to be lashed at and ultimately ghosted. We humans can be such frustrating creatures.
Great piece, Don. Something I’ve been navigating with my parents. It’s never easy, and it is a constant reminder to be gracious. If healing is the goal, nothing is helped by carrying resentment. I’m reminded that as a child, I was watching my parents grow up, too.
It was shocking to me when I worked in nursing homes as a hospice chaplain how many frail elders were estranged from their families, how many people had no visitors. Sometimes, the residents were people I found delightful. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to abandon them. Clearly, I didn't know the whole story.
My daughter worked in a nursing home and said the same thing. Also, my dad is a minister, so a good part of his work was/is visiting people in nursing homes. It is very sad.
In my family, my wife felt she had to cut off from her sister in order to stop her issues from driving us crazy, and she's much happier as a result. At first I didn't like it, it ran completely counter to my approach to relationships (prioritizing obligation and always trying to mediate), but I've come to accept it as the best thing given the situation.
I'm happy that my parents didn't experience estrangement from any of their 5 kids. Their parents didn't experience it either, though there was a cold distance toward the parents. I hear others talk about the estrangement in their families though and see the heartbreak of it.
Great analysis, Don. I've been following this story, too, and I'm horrified. It's one thing when parents were abusive, but the definition of abusive now extends to "they don't share my politics". I hate that there's a one-size-fits-all template to excuse estrangement.
Another good article, Don. I’ve definitely had to limit contact with a parent to keep my head above water during other crises. That said, I feel no guilt over it as I was the kid who stayed close (my brothers live far away) and was uber-present until 2 years ago. As caregiver to a whole circuit of people for decades, my indivualism has become a matter of survival. That said, my sense of duty runs deep and “limited contact” is what I’ve chosen. Barring emergencies, I won’t be leaving empty spaces at my parents’ place over the holidays. Thanks for the food for thought.
I have experienced estrangement with siblings and a child. It is painful. Especially if you believed you acted with good intentions and tried to do the best you could, even under difficult circumstances. But if the impasse continues, you have to eventually stop beating yourself up and move on.
You wrote this years ago done and I’m not sure why it’s only popping up on my Substack now, but I’m glad I had a chance to read it.
In the four broad categories that you mentioned none fit my experience.
I was physically unable to have children so when a good gay male friend adopted a child through the foster care system, I unofficially became the coparent. It was more difficult when I moved away, particularly in that I was unable to see when my friend became an alcoholic and Sabrina was too young to voice what was But by the time she was 15 we were very close again and the plan was for her to come live with me because by my friend declared he was unable to parent well and she was pushing beyond every boundary. Things had become physically dangerous between them. But that bond between father and daughter, was naturally deep. We spent five years with Sabrina moving between the two of us, me being on the phone with them during conflicts, and frequent visits. And then her father died unexpectedly. For the second time, I completely appended my life to focus solely on her. I was devastated when she turned on me. I left things verbally and in writing proclaiming how much I loved her and would always be there for her. I have enough training to know that she is projecting pain and trauma from her father onto me in order to preserve the memory of her father and assuage her own regrets. But it has been five years now since we’ve spoken, and that continues to pain me. I have since stopped reaching out because the rejection is too painful. But I continue to hope that someday I will hear from her. And yet beneath it all, knowing I did everything I could, I can’t help analyzing what I might’ve done wrong or what I could’ve done better.
Jan, thank you for sharing your experience. I understand how painful that is for you. My wife has also had the experience of being the one who reached out to help, only to be lashed at and ultimately ghosted. We humans can be such frustrating creatures.
Great piece, Don. Something I’ve been navigating with my parents. It’s never easy, and it is a constant reminder to be gracious. If healing is the goal, nothing is helped by carrying resentment. I’m reminded that as a child, I was watching my parents grow up, too.
What a great insight, Joel! Thanks!
It was shocking to me when I worked in nursing homes as a hospice chaplain how many frail elders were estranged from their families, how many people had no visitors. Sometimes, the residents were people I found delightful. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to abandon them. Clearly, I didn't know the whole story.
My goal is to enter the nursing home with no broken relationships to regret.
I suspect you'll achieve that goal. My goal is to not enter a nursing home but to stay vibrant until I wake up dead.
My daughter worked in a nursing home and said the same thing. Also, my dad is a minister, so a good part of his work was/is visiting people in nursing homes. It is very sad.
It's very sacred work
In my family, my wife felt she had to cut off from her sister in order to stop her issues from driving us crazy, and she's much happier as a result. At first I didn't like it, it ran completely counter to my approach to relationships (prioritizing obligation and always trying to mediate), but I've come to accept it as the best thing given the situation.
Thanks, Matthew. Families are such strange organisms, it's hard to know what's right. Sounds like your wife made the right call.
I'm happy that my parents didn't experience estrangement from any of their 5 kids. Their parents didn't experience it either, though there was a cold distance toward the parents. I hear others talk about the estrangement in their families though and see the heartbreak of it.
Well written, Don. Thank you.
Great analysis, Don. I've been following this story, too, and I'm horrified. It's one thing when parents were abusive, but the definition of abusive now extends to "they don't share my politics". I hate that there's a one-size-fits-all template to excuse estrangement.
Thanks. I can't take credit for the analysis, but I have had a ringside seat on some of these dramas and I know there's truth in it.
Another good article, Don. I’ve definitely had to limit contact with a parent to keep my head above water during other crises. That said, I feel no guilt over it as I was the kid who stayed close (my brothers live far away) and was uber-present until 2 years ago. As caregiver to a whole circuit of people for decades, my indivualism has become a matter of survival. That said, my sense of duty runs deep and “limited contact” is what I’ve chosen. Barring emergencies, I won’t be leaving empty spaces at my parents’ place over the holidays. Thanks for the food for thought.
I have experienced estrangement with siblings and a child. It is painful. Especially if you believed you acted with good intentions and tried to do the best you could, even under difficult circumstances. But if the impasse continues, you have to eventually stop beating yourself up and move on.