There’s a Time for Me

Must retirement mean never having to say you’re busy?

Photo by visuals on Unsplash

Gallons of ink have been spilled over the problem of people (men, mostly) who find retirement boring. They have abundant free time, and nothing to do. This is a legitimate problem because boredom is frequently associated with depression and loneliness.

There’s no use crying over spilled ink. But relatively little attention is paid to the problem of retirees who don’t have enough “me time” because they are kept busy doing chores and favors for other people, the ones who assume that because they are retired, they must have plenty of free time.

I believe I am among those with not enough time for myself. My wife believes that is absurd.

This discrepancy in perception may be a product of our very different work styles.

My wife is a model of efficiency. Since she formally retired two years ago, she claims she spends no more than three days per week on her consultancy business. However, when you add on the activities she has taken on – including visiting friends, attending to family, Pilates classes, online courses, and volunteer commitments – it appears to this outside observer that she is going full speed ahead all the time. Her calendar is chockablock with meetings and Zoom calls and presentations, with scarcely more daylight between them than when she was employed. A born multitasker, she strives to fill the unforgiving minute with 60 seconds worth of distance run. If not 65.

I am the tortoise to her hare. To me, a busy day is one with two scheduled events. When I am not eating, sleeping, or exercising, I am researching and writing about positive aging. Any time left over, once I make my weekly deadline, is devoted to writing a book.

People have asked me how long it takes me to write a weekly essay. The answer is about 12 hours – but spread over five days. Unlike my efficient spouse, I do not find that words come in a steady flow that can be captured on a timeclock. They come only with effort. When that effort is too much, I give myself a break from the work and divert myself for a few minutes before diving back into the task.

Me Time, We Time

My wife thinks that whenever she sees me scrolling through Facebook or watching YouTube videos on my computer, that obviously I am not busy. Clearly, she does not fully understand my writing process. Or perhaps I need to rethink my process.

If I had my way, my “me” time would extend from the moment I wake up through to dinner time. It is obvious that I will never get my way. There is dry cleaning to pick up, groceries to unpack, dinner to prepare, and occasional technical glitches to resolve. A long-time friend whose first language is not English wants to know if I can help write her business plan. My synagogue wants to know if I would help write a grant proposal. My wife has agreed that we will babysit for our four grandchildren. The housing co-op wants me to serve on a committee.

No, dawn to dusk “me” time isn’t practical, nor would it bode well for maintaining social connections (to say nothing of maintaining a marriage). But constant interruptions are not a recipe for thoughtful writing.

The only way forward that I can see is setting reasonable boundaries.  I am thinking perhaps to block off four hours every weekday afternoon as do-not-disturbable writing time. During those hours, I will close the door to my office to signal my intention to my wife. I will also turn off my phone and make a sacred vow not to check email or social media. That leaves mornings for exercise, classes, meetings, and calls, evenings for meal prep, meals, and conversation.

The Boundary Paradox

Wise and eloquent people have written about the paradox of boundaries. Suffice it to say that many of the most creative minds attained their greatest achievements when they were forced to work within limitations. What I realize is that by setting boundaries, I am not just keeping out interruptions. I am also binding myself within a limited timeframe. At present, in accord with Parkinson’s Law, my work has expanded to fill the time allotted for its completion. I am betting that I will be just as productive in fewer hours.

I am hopeful that this boundary works well for both of us. The world has far too many border disputes as it is, and we do not need to add another one to the pile.