The Case for Aging “Disgracefully”

Don’t act your age – own it.

Photo: Getty Images with Unsplash+

When I first started to write about aging, I described my topic area as “aging with grace, purpose, and joy.” At that time, I saw aging gracefully as a positive.

What can I say? I was a lot younger then.

In the intervening years I have come to realize that graceful behavior is an elegant way of saying behavior that conforms to social expectations. And let’s face it: The social expectations for older adults are limited. Graceful aging seems to mean being seen and not heard – behavior that is passive, resigned, quiet, and satisfied with being removed from life’s mainstream. Graceful agers rock no boats.

If I have learned anything in recent years, it is that the current social expectations for older adults are unrealistic and, to be blunt, demeaning. Contrary to popular perceptions, most of us still have sharp minds. Many of us still have good health – and even if we don’t, we find ways to carry on despite it. The expectation that we should fade away upon reaching an arbitrary age is the very definition of ageism. It is prejudice, and it doesn’t fly.

An Act of Rebellion

In reaction to these limiting social expectations, anti-ageism activists have started urging older adults to age disgracefully. On its face, that sounds ridiculous, like 80-year-old grandmothers in miniskirts, or the father of the bride drunkenly dancing the Macarena. But in the context of responding to pervasive ageism, aging disgracefully can signify an act of rebellion. Who, after all, gets to say what is age-appropriate? Who says older adults should be tossed off life’s moving train when they reach an arbitrary number of years?

“Age is a linear construct designed to box us in to neat categories that don’t reflect the multidimensional truth of who we are, individually or collectively,” says travel writer Amanda Burgess. This seems particularly true for women. Writer Ann Benoff says her favorite aunt “lived well” into her 90s. “She lived well because as she crept up in years, she simply chose to do whatever the hell she wanted, when she wanted and with whomever she wanted.” The same could be said of Cher, who at 78 appeared on the Saturday Night Live 50^th Anniversary show dressed in what People Magazine described as “a sheer black sequined bodysuit, a black leather jacket and thigh-high boots.” She sang “If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time,” and with the help of several plastic surgeons, she has tried.

Own Your Age

But if you’re uncomfortable with aging disgracefully – perhaps you can’t quite get past images of Auntie Mame – here is another viewpoint to consider. Instead of “acting your age,” try to “own your age.”

Owning your age means to embrace it rather than deny it. But that embrace does not mean resigning yourself to the sidelines. Owning it suggests thinking positively about all you can do today and in the years ahead. An arbitrary number of years lived does not have to limit your options.

Owning your age can also mean:

• Staying young at heart: Have fun, laugh, and stay lighthearted. Research shows that laughter lowers blood pressure, lowers stress, and improves the body’s immune system.

• Moving: Regular exercise such as strength training helps maintain muscle strength, as well as flexibility and balance.

• Embracing what’s new: Accept the aches and wrinkles as what is and move on despite them.

(I also learned that “Own Your Age” is the name of an advertising campaign for Laura Geller Beauty, a cosmetics line that seeks to empower “women of a certain age” to look good without trying to look young. Comedian Leanne Morgan stars in the campaign as an “age empowerment coach” who steers women in their 40s and 50s away from making Tik-Tok videos or using Gen Z slang.)

Owning your age means accepting that we are not superstars (Cher excepted) or superheroes, but neither are we superannuated and past our sell-by date. We don’t need to pretend to have young bodies, though there’s nothing wrong with being young at heart. We don’t have to accept sitting on a sidelines if that’s what others mean by aging gracefully.

We have more to say. We have more to do. We’re still here, making the most of our lives.