Let’s Talk Back to Ageism
Choose from (mostly) appropriate retorts to challenge ageist assumptions.
Photo by Getty Images
Ageism has been called the last socially acceptable prejudice. While most people think twice before mouthing statements that might be considered racist, sexist, or homophobic, no such taboo stops people from uttering words that are offensive, demeaning, or dismissive of old (or young) people.
It doesn’t help that in a culture that worships youth, age bias is so pervasive that it is almost invisible. It also doesn’t help that older adults themselves fall into thinking and speaking ageist thoughts about themselves (such as “I’m too old to learn something new”).
Anti-ageism activists argue that we must confront ageism wherever it rears its head. The way to change an ageist culture, they say, is to change assumptions, one mind at a time. Rather than sit silently when a person makes an ageist remark or an ageist joke, use the opportunity to call out the ageist assumptions that underlie those utterances.
But what do you say?
Glad you asked! After today, you’ll have no reason to be speechless in the face of insulting or hurtful remarks. Here for your convenience are a range of comebacks you can use in the most common situations in which ageism occurs. I have arranged them in three styles of approach.
Three Approaches
Polite Correction (PC): Experts agree that this approach is most likely to make a speaker realize the inherent ageism in their remark and reconsider it in the future. PC responses draw heavily on the excellent work of Changing the Narrative, a public awareness campaign aimed at ending ageism.
Firm Rebuttal (FR): This approach can also be rendered politely, but it has more edge. This is the approach of hardline activists, chief among them Ashton Applewhite, who want to assure that ageist speech is confronted and resisted.
Inner Groucho (IG): This approach does absolutely nothing to encourage constructive dialogue, but it might make you feel better. It’s the comeback you wish you might have made, had you thought of it at the time.
Doctor: “It’s normal to feel exhausted at your age.”
PC: I know many people my age and they aren’t all experiencing this. Can you please help me find answers?
FR: Can you explain what you mean by that?
IG: I didn’t feel this way last week. I must have aged quite a lot in a week.
(Doctor ignores you, addresses a third person in the room.)
PC: You can speak directly to me. My (friend, daughter) is here to support me and I will let them know if I need their input.
FR: Excuse me. I’m right here, and it feels like you are talking about me rather than to me. (hat tip to Louise Aronson)
IG: I was under the impression that I was the patient. Hello? Am I invisible?
Nurse: “Sweetie, let’s take off your jacket so we can take your blood pressure.”
PC: Thank you for the sentiment, but I prefer to be called (Linda, Bob).
FR: When you say things like that, I feel like you’re treating me like a baby or a mentally incompetent person.
IG: Oh honey, you’re so cute I just want to pinch your rosy cheeks!
Acquaintance: “How are you, young man?”
PC: I’m fine but I’m afraid I have to report you to the Aging Police. (hat tip to Phil Moeller)
FR: We both know I’m old. When you pretend otherwise, you suggest that being old is a bad thing, and it’s not. (hat tip to Louise Aronson)
IG: Your eyes must be failing. Get your prescription checked.
Acquaintance: “You look good for your age.”
PC: Did you mean that as a compliment?
FR: Why would you say that? (hat tip to Ashton Applewhite)
IG: Yes, we vampires hear that all the time. (hat tip to Erica Manfred)
Recruiter: “You may be overqualified for this job.”
PC: This job is a great fit with my experience. I have a proven record of success.
FR: I’m sure you don’t mean to say I’m too old, since that would be illegal age discrimination.
IG: In other words, you’d rather hire an incompetent than someone highly qualified to do the work?
Acquaintance: “I’m glad to see you’re still up and around.”
PC: Thank you, I guess. I suppose you mean that as a compliment.
FR: I’m glad to see you’re still up and around too.
IG: Yes, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (hat tip to Mark Twain)
Has Your Transition Been Bumpy? Let’s Talk About It
I want to interview people about their own retirement experience for a book I’m researching. If you care to share your story, please email me at don@donakchin.com to set up a remote interview.
This is an important discussion on a form of discrimination and stereotyping that is often outside the awareness of many people - even those who are treated disrespectfully don't always recognize it. And, sometimes people who are older will reinforce ageist messages by their own self-talk. "I'm just getting old."
I appreciated the points you included about how to respond to ageist communication. I would add that sometimes I find humor works well to. For example, if a young person calls me "sweetie," I might loudly laugh and say, "Wow, so you think I'm sweet?" Then I might intentionally use some nonverbal behaviors (including vocalics) that suggest I am surprised at the remark. I often use other strategies--many that you mentioned--but find that using some form of humor helps me connect with the person and creates a teachable moment.
Good responses, all. Ashton Applewhite also likes to respond to "You look good for your age" with a hearty, "So do YOU!"