No Family? Make Your Own
How one woman built a solution for elders aging alone
Photo by Deleese Cook on Unsplash
“Who loves ya, baby?” Lieutenant Kojak was fond of asking. As we get older, a better question we should all ask is, ”Who’s going to care for me when I’m too frail to care for myself?”
For those of us blessed with much younger spouses or adult children with whom we still maintain diplomatic relations, the answer is self-evident: Family. For “solo agers” – those among us who live alone, are not in a long-term relationship, and/or have no children – answers are harder to come by.
AARP says solo agers account for 12% of Americans ages 50 and up. At age 65 and older, we’re talking 12 million adults, or 27% of the U.S. population.
Wendl Kornfeld did more than ask the question; she did something about it. Wendl, who among her many sterling attributes happens to be a loyal and generous subscriber to The EndGame, had read in Gail Sheehy’s sequel to Passages about the need to prepare for old age both financially and psychologically. She and her husband were doing more caregiving for their aging mothers at the time, so she decided to begin preparing for her own old age well in advance. By the time she retired in 2013, “I had decided that my retirement job was going to be finding how to be really good at being old.” She also had come to realize that solo agers were at a particular disadvantage.
She addressed the challenges facing solo agers by starting a program called Community as Family. It began with five focus groups for solo agers in people’s homes. A year later her synagogue, Temple Emanu-El in New York City, invited her to bring the program under its sponsorship. “I was thrilled when they invited me,” Wendl says. “It has given the program a higher profile, as well as a higher profile for solo aging.”
This month Community as Family celebrated its eighth anniversary. Prior to Covid, the monthly meetings were held at the temple around a large conference table, with a light dinner. Each meeting provided information and discussion on a topic of concern, followed by time for socializing. A rabbi shares the facilitation duties with Wendl.
Familiarity Breeds Bonding
“I call it an educational group, first and foremost,” Wendl says. “The bonus is, if your group meets regularly, you’re going to build ties and supportive relationships with each other. After eight years in my group, for instance, we’re each other’s health care proxies, we sit shiva (Jewish practice of mourning) with each other, we pick each other up from the hospital, we hold house keys for one another, and on and on. The familiarity of seeing the same people regularly helps build bonds.”
Based on the success of Community as Family, Wendl has advised dozens of organizations on how to replicate the program. She has written a starter guide on how to facilitate a group, including ice breakers to start conversation flowing. She has also shared basic forms she has created to help participants organize all the important details and vital information about their lives. “The program is a way to bring attention to the needs of solo agers, to realize it’s a demographic much larger than anybody realized until recently.” Also, she adds, “it has a lot of potential for organizations who want to better serve this demographic.”
It's a simple but effective program. The guiding principles spell ART:
Anticipate getting older – beginning in your late 50s if possible, so you don’t wake up in crisis mode.
Resources – learn which agencies do what and, just as important, learn how they work.
Team – build an “A Team” for yourself from friends, neighbors, and colleagues.
A starting point for every group is “to get your critical documents in place, because all things will flow from them, and it will give you piece of mind so you can really go out and enjoy these years.” She includes the last will and testament, health care proxy, advance medical directives, and financial power of attorney. The financial power of attorney is the hardest for many people. “If you don’t have family members, you have to give someone else a lot of power over your finances,” she explains. “That requires tremendous trust.”
For others seeking to emulate the Community as Family model, she identifies several critical lessons for success. “Stick to the principles. Don’t become group therapy. Don’t become a ‘village’ where you’re doing chores for other members.” The group needs a strong facilitator who models courtesy, respect, and confidentiality and makes sure everyone is heard. But the facilitator doesn’t have to carry the load alone. She suggests asking active group members to take turns researching topics for meetings.
Starting the program was a natural outgrowth of Wendl’s personality. “I love people,” she says, “and making friends comes as naturally to me as breathing.”
What she has created can be a literal lifesaver for solo agers. Everyone needs an A Team to give them an assist when they need it most. If family isn’t the answer, Community as Family provides a nearly natural way to create your own.
You can learn more about Community as Family by emailing Wendl at wendlkornfeld1@gmail.com.
Another powerful article, Don. Thanks for introducing me to Wendl (virtually here). Her Community as Family concept adds to my ideas for how to age with support. When your Subject line read "Make Your Own", I thought you were going to write about the approach my husband and I are working on -- of effectively adopting younger people to be our kids to guide us as our abilities dwindle. I don't expect to see any dwindling for several decades to come, but we want to get things in place sooner than later anyway.
Bravo, Wendl and Don!
Thank you so much for the opportunity to talk about Community as Family, Don. A beautifully done write-up, and I look forward to continuing to learn from you and your readers. Wishing you all a safe 2023, positively engaged in community!