If I Am Not Who I Was, Who Am I?

Retirement forces us to ask tough questions.

Photo by Iulia Mihailov on Unsplash

Lately I have been talking to dozens of people about their retirement experiences, and I am struck by how often retirement brings on a wholly unexpected crisis of identity.

You remember “identity crisis,” don’t you? It may have been a while since you heard that expression, and even longer since it was something you worried about. But yes, retirement has been known to provoke crises of identity in men and women. We may call it a “midlife crisis” or a “late-life crisis,” but it can be real and painful for many retirees.

Not everyone, of course. Many people tell me they couldn’t wait to retire and couldn’t be happier that they did. There’s also a smaller subset who can’t imagine giving up work – ever. They intend to die with their boots on. Hey – if you really love what you do that much, good for you.

In between these two clusters are people who find themselves retired – whether by choice, by fiat, or by health – and now are grappling not only with what to do now, but who they are. For 40 years they had an identity – lawyer, engineer, doctor, plumber, sales executive – and now that they no longer have work to identify with, they’re struggling.

Nor does it help that retirement isn’t what it used to be, or what television advertising would have you believe it is. For our grandparents and perhaps our parents, life expectancy after employment was on the order of 10 years. Today we can look forward to living 20 to 30 more years after we take that job and shove it. It’s hard to play golf or tan poolside for 30 years. We need something more to do with our time and energy.

Facing the Void

People assume that this identity problem is harder for men.  As a broad generalization, there Is some truth in it, at least for those men who accepted the role of provider/breadwinner that society considered normal. Many men not only bought into the role but pursued it with a zeal and singularity of focus that left little room for outside interests. These are the same men most likely to be dazed and confused when their role as provider grinds to a halt and they stare into a void – nowhere to go, nothing to do, no calls to return. Now they find themselves confronting uncomfortable questions, perhaps for the first time in 40 years:  Now what do I do? Who am I? Who else can I be? Financial planner Kimberly Foss notes that these men “reach retirement with a self-understanding poorly suited for the very different opportunities and challenges presented by the retirement lifestyle.”

But women are not immune to the identity crisis, as I’ve learned from my conversations with retirees. While women in general experience the void less acutely – as they are more accustomed to juggling multiple roles as caregivers and mothers as well as workers – women who gave top priority to their careers can find themselves facing the same soul-piercing questions.

Reactions vary. One man I spoke with fell into a depression. Another did little of anything for months and made his wife frantic with worry. One retiree told me he responded to the crisis by drinking too heavily. Women tell stories of husbands who became so inert that their bodies fused with their La-Z-Boy recliners. (Okay, slight exaggeration)

There are healthier responses, of course, but I mention these stories just to point out the seriousness of the problem. Retirement is a major transition, as life altering as marrying, becoming a parent, or changing a career path. Sadly, as one retiree told me, “I don’t think we, as a society, really do anything to help people transition to whatever the next stage is.”

Lack of Preparation

No, we don’t. Look up “retirement planning” and you will see that the world regards the phrase as a synonym for “financial planning.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but there is important personal, psychological, spiritual preparation that falls outside the realm of money. Fortunately, the retirement coaching profession has stepped in to close the gap.

Several women I interviewed told me their approach to the retirement transition is to take on no new responsibilities for one year, while they sort through the pieces of their lives and identities and think through how they really want to spend the next 20 to 30 years. That strikes me as a sound approach. Another, suggested by author Andy Robin, is to try out a few short-term commitments, like a tapas meal of small-plate dishes, and adjust the mix of activities as you find the ones you enjoy.

The ranks of trained retirement coaches are growing, as retirees recognize that they may need help from a neutral party to process these questions of identity and purpose and meaning. The Retirement Coaches Association includes a directory of certified coaches by state on its website.

The years after work ends have so much potential to be energizing, exciting, fulfilling times. It shouldn’t come as a shock, however, that this new stage of life, like all the ones that came before, is a major upheaval. Major changes are not something that we always master instantly; sometimes, in fact, they take many months and a healthy dollop of soul searching.  Like all things worth doing, it’s worth doing well.

Special Free Event! Have You Registered?

Kerry Byrne and I are co-hosting a free, live online session, Thursday November 10 at 1 pm EST, on Unique and Fun Ways to Share Values with Your Grandchildren.

Kerry is founder of The Long-Distance Grandparent, a company that helps grandparents enjoy meaningful connections with their grandchildren, even when mile apart. She is a social scientist and a mother. My qualification is hands-on experience as a grandfather.

We will discuss practical and research-backed ways you can share your values with your grandchildren, whatever their ages. We’ll also answer questions from participants. The session is free, but you do have to register at this link.

Please join us for a practical and stimulating program!

Share the Story of Your Retirement

If you’ve retired and had some difficulties making the adjustment to that stage of life (even if you’ve resolved them by now), I would love to talk to you about it for a research project. If you’re willing to be interviewed, please contact me at don@donakchin.com for details.