He Has Nothing Nice To Say

How to talk back to your Inner Critic

Let me tell you about a companion I’ve known most of my life. I wish he were an imaginary friend. Unfortunately he is quite real.

His formal name is My Inner Critic, but I call him Satan, with good reason. He’s the voice in my head that keeps a constant barrage of negative thoughts flowing through my brain. Thoughts like “you’re not good enough,” “nobody likes you, really,” “wrong, wrong, wrong,” “you have a pitiful excuse for a body,” “you don’t know anything, do you?” “don’t embarrass yourself,” “there goes that smart mouth of yours again,” “It’s not perfect, you know,” “you’re an imposter,” “you want people to like you so you hide the real you from sight,” and other morsels of gentle encouragement delivered with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. The voice is dark, sarcastic, biting.

I suppose you also have a “friend” like that. I’m told we all have them.

Who invited them to the party?

Psychiatrists suggest The Inner Critic gets implanted in our consciousness in early childhood, by parents or other adults who give us messages to protect us (“No! Stove hot”), to mold our behavior to what is expected of us (“Dolls are for girls, Leroy”), and to hold us back from our most daring/dangerous ideas (“Come down off that ladder before I count to three!”).

But most likely the negative, discouraging impulse was already in our DNA. The amygdala, buried deep in the most ancient parts of our brain, is programmed to look out for threats and danger. It is a component of the limbic system, which regulates our emotions. When the amygdala senses a threat, it telegraphs a call for the brain to emit cortisol, the stress hormone – which produces the “fight or flight” response.

This system was a feature, not a flaw, as evidenced by the fact that our species has managed to survive for a few million years. But now that we’re past our childhoods – considerably past – and we’re out of the jungle, these same negative voices that warn us, restrain us, make us hesitate, and make us doubt ourselves can do us real harm. The Inner Critic can be cruel and undercut self-esteem. When the Inner Critic is holding court, the world seems dark and ugly. For some people, including me, depression and the Inner Critic are inseparable companions. The Inner Critic is also strongly implicated in anxiety disorders.

We can’t kill these nasty voices in our heads, although many try with drink or drugs. But there are techniques we can practice that help fight back against the negativity and, occasionally, even get the upper hand.

Self-Compassion

Most of them begin with practicing self-compassion. The Inner Critic is good at presenting the case against you. You need to remind yourself of your good qualities, your accomplishments, your character, or whatever it takes to balance the ledger.

For many, the path is through mindfulness meditation. Through mindfulness, you become aware that the Inner Critic’s attacks are merely thoughts, not facts, and you can separate those thoughts from the person you are.

Some therapists recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which guides you to identify the Inner Critic, label it, observe it without judging it, and then let it go. You may find that you have accepted a set of beliefs about yourself, repeated relentlessly by the Inner Critic, that are merely beliefs, and have no substance.

Another approach is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which employs reason and logic to dispel negative assessments of ourselves.

The positive intelligence approach works on consciously shifting our thoughts from that emotionally triggered “survivor brain” of amygdala and limbic system to our “sage brain”: the middle prefrontal cortex, the centers that process empathy, and the right brain.

A technique you can incorporate into any of these approaches is to summon your Inner Coach or Inner Champion. In other words, create in your mind a counterweight that will remind you of all your positive qualities and your positive accomplishments.

Since the Inner Critic is part of us, self-compassion also means having compassion for the Inner Critic as well. So some therapists recommend befriending the Inner Critic. Ask it what it fears, acknowledge those fears, then look for ways to allay them. This might pave the way for a less adversarial relationship.

 I have tried a majority of these approaches myself. Meditation and therapy have been the most useful to me. I haven’t exactly befriended my Inner Critic, but Satan and I have reached an understanding. I listen to what he has to say, thank him for looking out for me, and promise to take it under advisement. That usually shuts him up for a while, at least.

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