Getting Through Grief

Telling your story is key to the healing process.

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

In the last quarter of our lives, we can expect to face a number of difficult transitions. From employed to retired. From parent to grandparent. From healthy to achy, arthritic, or worse. Of all these transitions, the hardest to cope with is the loss of someone close.

            Whether the loss is a parent, a sibling, a life partner, or a child, the grieving process goes through similar stages. For this week, I want to focus on losing a spouse.

            Meg was only 57 when her husband died of cancer. After living together for 30 years, in a marriage in which her husband controlled the finances and other aspects of their relationship, the prospect of being single again was scary. Compounding her grief were also unpleasant surprises – such as discovering, one month after his death, that she no longer had health insurance.

            Meg’s grieving process took an unusual route. Two months after her husband’s passing, she took a solo road trip from Baltimore, Maryland to San Antonio, Texas, where the couple owned a condo apartment. “The trip wasn’t always easy, but it was cathartic,” she says. “I made the plans. I could do things I enjoyed. I could turn off the road whenever I wanted and try out stuff on my own. There were bumps, but I handled them. I felt very free, and confident.”

            Shortly after her return she joined a survivors support group offered by the hospice where her husband spent his final days, with Meg by his side. The group met for six weeks, sharing their stories and learning what to expect as they went through the grieving process. “It seemed we were all going through the same things,” Meg says, “though the timing was different.” By the end of the formal sessions, the eight survivors were close friends. They continued to meet for dinner every other month for years. Thinking back on the first year of grieving, Meg recalls, “In spite of everything, it was a very good year of growth.” Two years later, she remarried.

Telling The Story

            While Meg’s solo road trip was unusual, other aspects of her grieving process followed a typical pattern. In the first month after a person loses a loved one, friends and family surround the mourner to offer comfort and support. But soon after, the visits and calls are less frequent. Donna Kane, a grief counselor at Jewish Community Services (JCS) in Baltimore, explains that while the mourner and their grief is foremost in their minds for many months, the event recedes into the background for others.  Friends have a tendency to treat the deceased as “the elephant in the room” and avoid talking about them, out of concern that they will trigger the person grieving. That behavior is actually counter to what the mourner needs, Kane says. “People are trying to be thoughtful and gentle, but the person grieving walks away thinking an important part of their lives is being ignored.”

            Remembering the past is an important part of the healing process, Kane says. “Telling your story is a way of processing this event.” That is one of the key benefits of grief support groups such as the “Grieving Together” group she runs for JCS. When friends and family have moved on with their lives, a group of people sharing a similar experience offer a safe outlet for sharing personal stories.

            “It’s not all wonderful stuff,” Kane says. “Any relationship has its difficulties. But rather than having negative feelings fester inside, you have the freedom in a group to say, for instance, ‘I’m so angry he was a packrat and now I’ll be spending the next two years of my life cleaning it all out.’”

            Group participants also learn that much of what they are experiencing is normal.  “Many people are frightened. They say things like, ‘I can’t read’ or ‘I can’t remember anyone’s name’ or “I think I’m losing my mind.’ And all of this is a normal part of grief.

“Losing someone important to you is like suffering a trauma that you can’t see on an MRI,” she says. “Your brain is trying to protect you by making you numb.” Over time, as you process the loss, those brain functions return. “Give yourself some grace while you’re experiencing it all,” she says.

From her own experience, Meg says it’s worth taking the time to mourn. “It’s important to go through the pain, like walking through fire to get to the other side.” Her other advice: Don’t forget to take care of yourself. “Friends gave me a gift certificate to a spa for a massage. It was so great, I started doing it monthly. I like being touched, and during the last months of his illness, I had missed it. Don’t neglect self-care.”

Resources

You can learn more about JCS’s “Grieving Together” support group at https://jcsbalt.org/grief.

Gilchrist, which provides hospice services, also offers support through grief services. More information is at https://gilchristcares.org/grief.

Another Role Model

What’s not to like about a 95-year-old entertainer whose motto is just to enjoy himself? Check out the Washington Post’s profile yesterday of Dick Van Dyke.