Break Out the Chainsaws!

Plus: How long do you plan to be around?

We have another contender for the Adult-Resistant Design (ARD) Awards, and this one could go all the way. It’s the popular hard molded plastic container, in this case for batteries. The slits on either side make for ease of display on hooks.

But oh brother! Bring it home and try to open it, and you are in for a pitched battle. No amount of pressure, persuasion, or brute force will dislodge the two halves from one another; they are married for life, and let no man render them asunder. A sharp knife will barely penetrate the plastic. A machete might work; a chainsaw will definitely do the job, should you have one lying around the house. And some have found that industrial-strength scissors can break through the top portion, providing an opening to separate the blasted thing and release the batteries. This is the very definition of highly resistant packaging.

My friend David Shulman, an accomplished physical therapist who knows quite a bit about physical strength and physical pain, shared this bit of perspective on the packaging:

As to the ARD Award I had the privilege (???) of meeting the inventor of the diabolical plastic/harder than steel inventor. He was an engineer who worked in plastics, and I believe the toy companies first approached him as they were losing so much money on people ripping open the flimsy cardboard and plastic packaging and stealing the toys/products inside. They thought the best way was to make a package so strong that juveniles couldn’t just break them open and needed scissors or some sharp implement to do that, which they probably would not be carrying with them in a store and it would take too much time and they would get caught for obvious reasons. Obviously, the product was wildly successful and he became wildly rich.

As we know the few tend to ruin it for the majority. The lowest common denominator has to be dealt with, so the majority has to suffer the consequences.

Keep those Band-Aids handy😃

Do you have more nominees for the ARD Awards? Just send a photo and a brief description. Feel free to include whatever colorful language is appropriate to the design in question.

How Long You Plan To Be Around?

The first time I worried about how long I would live was when a high school classmate started reading people’s palms in the school cafeteria. He had obviously studied the subject deeply – or at any rate, he had a great schtick. He looked at my palm and did a double-take. “See this?” he said, pointing to a line on my palm. “That’s your lifeline.  See how it just stops all of a sudden?” I went into panic mode. “When?” I asked. “Looks like about 35,” the oracle intoned.

No one noticed, but on my 36th birthday, I heaved a silent sigh of relief. And while I should have learned my lesson then, I was tempted down the primrose path once more last week when I saw Dr. Thomas Perls’s “Life Expectancy Calculator” on his website, livingto100.com. Unlike the palmist of old, Dr. Perls is a respected researcher specializing in human longevity. He is the founding director of the New England Centenarian Study, the world’s longest running study of centenarians and their family members. Also, the calculation was free.

You answer 40 quick questions about your family history and health. Then the digital whizbanger whirrs for a few seconds and out pops an answer. In my case:

“Your calculated life expectancy is 94 years.”

(Of course, it should go without saying, that’s barring any close encounters with war, disease, famine, fire, earthquake, wild beasts, or runaway log trucks.)

But still – 24 more years! What an amazing concept! With 24 more years, I have more than enough time to start something new – something ambitious, adventurous, audacious, amazing, or just addle-brained.

Let me pose two questions to you:

1.       If you could know how much longer you have to live, would you want to know?

2.       What would you do differently if you knew you had 20 more years to look forward to?

Discuss.